Real Beauty

Good morning, friends! Here is a round-up of some of my all-time favorite thoughts on real beauty.   Some of these influenced the second chapter of my books, all of them have influenced me.  I hope you'll save them and savor them when you have the time.

Love, Kate

(All images are pinned to and sourced on my 10 Things Chapter 2 Pinterest board here.)

Lupita Nyong'o's acceptance speech:

“And my mother again would say to me, “You can’t eat beauty. It doesn’t feed you.” And these words plagued and bothered me; I didn’t really understand them until finally I realized that beauty was not a thing that I could acquire or consume, it was something that I just had to be.”   (link)

The Aunties, by Anne Lamott:

""I was not wearing a cover-up, not even a T-shirt. I had decided I was going to take my thighs and butt with me proudly whenever I went. I decided, in fact, on the way to the beach, that I would treat them as if they were beloved elderly aunties, the kind who did embarassing things at the beach, like roll their stockings into tubes around their ankles, but whom I was proud of because they were so great in every real and important way."  (link)

Swimsuit Ready or Not, by Shauna Niequist

"I’m not going to give in to the cultural pressure that says women’s bodies are only beautiful when they’re very, very small.  I’m going to take up every inch of space that I need, even though our world is obsessed with the idea that women should only take up just the tiniest bits of space.   I’m going to practice believing that I am more than my body..."  (link)

The Danger of Always Looking at Ourselves, by Karen Swallow Prior

"But therein lies the paradoxical power of beauty. It has the power - whether because we possess it or because we lack it - to trap our gaze forever upon ourselves, like Narcissus. At the same time, it also has the power to draw us to the ultimate source of all beauty. We are, after all, made in the image of God, which bestows us with the kind of beauty that Dove can neither give nor take away. As image-bearers of God, our gaze should be directed toward the source of that beauty rather than the reflection. We can treat the beautiful as idols, and thus as the endpoint of our gaze. Or we can treat beaut"y as an icon, the means through which our gaze is directed to God."  (link)

Why Dove’s “Real Beauty Sketches” Video Makes Me Uncomfortable… and Kind of Makes Me Angry, by Jazz Brice

"Dove was right about one thing: you are more beautiful than you know. But please, please hear me: you are so, so much more than beautiful."  (link)

Beauty Routine, by Glennon Melton

"Today I will FILL UP WITH THIS BEAUTY. I will SEE this beauty and really NOTICE IT and smell it and hear it and roll around in it and soak it all up. I will allow all of this beauty to become a part of me- to BECOME ME-  and by the end of the day I will be so freaking beautiful from the inside out that folks will stop and stare, probably.  If you do not feel beautiful then FILL UP, Precious Sister."   (link)

Aaaaand, why I don't tan:

Modesty is Not A Feminine Virtue

This week we’re talking about modesty over on my FB page, because it’s a topic I discuss in the first chapter of my books. The books explore a very specific slice of modesty (the way we dress) for one reason:  that was the first point on my list of “Things I Want to Tell Teenage Girls.”   In the book I talk about things like:

-Expressing yourself with fashion, and dressing intentionally. -Rejecting the idea that the sexualized parts of women’s bodies should ever be the source of frustration or shame. -The superpower that is femininity. -Rejecting the notion that women are responsible for the thoughts and behaviors of men, and rejecting that “modesty” is somehow a tool to protect ourselves from degradation. -The difference between attention and respect.

I suspect that this chapter might find itself a little bit controversial, but I stand by what’s in there, and I think it’s important.

That said –

It would be a serious oversight, not to mention offensive, to end the conversation there.  Because modesty is not a "feminine virtue."   And for crying out loud, it's not about clothing.  The catchphrases coined by the uber-conservatives hoping not to be viewed as misogynistic are way off, too.   "It's not about hiding," they say, "it's about revealing dignity."

Except, no.  It's not.  We have to stop insisting that modesty is about "revealing dignity" and "having self-worth," as if people who feel comfortable in clothing we wouldn't personally wear simply don't value themselves enough.   Real modesty isn't about "revealing dignity" because it isn't about revealing anything.

Here is what modesty is:

Modesty is humility applied. It's humility in a tank top, wisdom in jeans. It's a healthy dose of it's-not-about-me as you go throughout your day. Real modesty is meekness, which is a human virtue that begins on the inside, and, as we mature, is unstoppably, unavoidably reflected in every area of our lives.

Modesty is about killing that thing inside of us that wants to steal glory, revel in attention, and to see ourselves hoisted onto a pedestal.  The pedestal of “hottest” or “wealthiest” or “most hipster” or “most fit” or “most chic” or “most anything.”

Modesty is about stepping out of the way so that The Thing You’re Living For gets to stand in the spotlight.

Dressing provocatively is certainly one way of drawing attention to yourself, which is how the word “modesty” initially got attached to the idea of COVERING EVERYTHING UP.  But that’s not what it means.  That is one possible implication.

It is possible, and frankly a lot more common, for a PERSON (not just a woman) to have all their assests covered, and still be shouting "NOTICE ME!  NOTICE ME!" with their clothes and their lives.

Notice my bank account. Notice my trophy spouse. Notice my business success. Notice how cute I am. Notice how cultured I am. Notice how MORAL, and RIGHTEOUS I am.

There's nothing wrong with being noticed, but it works better when we notice each other instead of noticing ourselves.  There's less competition, more connection.  There's less looking in the mirror, and more looking up and out and forward.  There's more appreciation of the beauty and gifts and skills around us - because when we aren't preoccupied with our own hooting and hollering, we can finally, finally see it.

Real modesty happens when we side-step out of the spotlight, making space for the things that we're passionate about to shine.  The stuff that's bigger than us.  The stuff that matters more.

For me, that's the gospel of Jesus.

Here is the question I'm asking myself this week:

What would it look like if I made one small, practical change to live more modestly?  To stop trying to draw attention to myself for whatever reason?

I'm a little tender about it, because it's forcing me to examine all the places I try to be the center of the story.  It's so ugly, glory-hogging.  But it's tender because it matters.  Humility, modesty, selflessness - these are holy, sacred things.   They matter, and I've decided that pursuing them is worth the discomfort it costs.  I've got to look my own ugly in the face.

Will you join me in considering?

How might it look to live more modestly on social media? How might it look to speak more modestly? To spend money more modestly?  Not just necessarily less, just different. How might it look to "church" more modestly?   Oh, snap. And, yes, to dress more modestly.  Not frumpily, not puritanically, not to hide, or to shame, or to protect boys.  But to draw less undue, self-indulgent, and, often, not-the-healthiest attention to ourselves.

Comment and share with the hashtag #realmodesty.

10 Right Questions to Answer About the Person You're Dating

A few weeks ago I received my favorite text message ever:

It was like a dream come true.  DO WE GET TO OVER-ANALYZE THIS FOR DAYS, GAILY BEATING THE DEAD HORSE INTO THE GROUND WHILST EATING ICE CREAM IN OUR PAJAMAS?

Since then, we've talked a lot about healthy relationships, pacing things, guarding hearts, et al.  The only real difference between college and now is that today I have the benefit of having been married for seven years.  So, GAME CHANGER.

One of the things I told my anonymous friend, and something I really believe, is that time and pace are just tools to make sure you get real answers to the right questions.

So - we're having this conversation and I'm feeling maybe a little too enlightened when my friend says,

"So, what are the right questions?"

Yeah.  Here's the thing about that.  NOBODY KNOWS.

But I spent a few days thinking about it, and I asked some married friends that are smarter than me, and so, together, we give you:

10 Right Questions to Answer About the Person You're Dating

1. Listen to him eat a bowl of cereal.  Is that sound something you can tolerate for the rest of your life?  THIS IS NOT A DRILL.   Treat this issue with the respect it's due.

2. Does he exhibit self-control?  You do not want to be married to someone with no self-control.  Think finances, think housework, think fidelity, think EVERY AREA OF LIFE.

Look for: Does he put off or blow off other responsibilities to spend time with you?  If so, it's easy to feel "Yay!  Chemistry!  I'm a PRIORITY."   But it can be a red flag.  Does he push boundaries physically?  If he does, don't think, "Yay!  He can't get enough of me!"  Instead, ask yourself, "Is he exhibiting self-control?"

Now substitute "self-control" with another character trait - maybe kindness, or patience, or courage, or honesty.  All the right questions will point you to character.  Chemistry and compatibility matter just as much, but they're easy to see.  After just a few dates, you know.  The right questions don't answer, "Do we fit?  Do we click?  Is there something special here?"  Because, duh.  The right questions answer "What kind of character does this man have?  What kind of habits?  What is he made of, on the inside, through and through?"

3.  Is he investment-minded?  Relationships die if they aren't tended.  Committed to stay and committed to work are two totally different things.  It's very 2014 to "chill" and "hang out" and "do something."  But listen - if someone asks your guy "What are you going to do this weekend?"  and he says "I'm going to spend time with my girlfriend, because that's important,"  MARRY THAT DUDE.

Look for:  Does he ask intentional questions?  When you've told each other all your stories, will you have made your own, together?  Is he relationally intelligent?  (When I asked my married friends what questions they would recommend asking/discovering/settling at least 85% of them said:  "DOES HE SPEAK HER LOVE LANGUAGE?  DOES HE VALUE SPEAKING IT?  WILL HE TRY TO LEARN HER LOVE LANGUAGE?  IS HE EVEN PHYSICALLY CAPABLE?"  So, that's kind of a huge deal.)

4. Do you respect his decisions and his decision-making skills?  Not whether or not you can influence them, or whether he is willing to defer some things to you.  I mean, THAT, obviously, but don’t stop there.   Ask, as my very wise friend Sarah suggested, "Left to his own devices, does she trust him enough that she can respect and submit to the decisions that he makes?  If not, don't marry him."

Look for:  The things he values, the way he spends his time.  If you can't get on board with his life decisions so far, do not pass go; do not collect bridal shower presents.

5.  Does he apologize?  This question is the one that garnered the most vociferous, vehement, visceral reaction amongst my married friends.  Does he apologize?  How?  It speaks to humility, respect, self-confidence, and a willingness to work at relationship.

Look for: Does he apologize to other people?  (I only recently learned that there is a "Languages of Apology" book/assessment, in the same vein as Love Languages.  Worth looking into.)  And listen:  apologies are sexy.

6. How does he fight?  Hot or cold?  Right away or the next day?  In straight-up specifics, or in softer generalities?  Does he call names?  Is he sarcastic?  Because IT'S GONNA HAPPEN, LOVE BIRDS.  And you need to know, is this the man I want to fight with for the rest of my life?

7.  "It's no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn't even speak to each other if they met at a party" -Nick Hornby   If you had to listen to his music on a road trip, how soon into the drive would you try to throw yourself from the window of a moving vehicle?

8, 9, and 10. The three things that couples fight about the most (and the worst) are money, sex, and kids.  That's it.  The trifecta.  Money, sex, and kids.  There are one million questions wrapped up in money, sex, and kids, and one million blog posts that explore them.  I'm not adding to that number today.  Google it, find a list, ask them all.

What you really need to know is, when you're all twitterpated, and in love, and your hormones come out to play, you can't think clearly anyway - so if you're reading this you're probably already screwed.  But it's okay.  It can be pretty wonderful.  :)

 What would you add?  What do you think is the most helpful, absolutely-must-settle-before-progressing, dating question?  My anonymous friend and I want to know!

Lupita Nyong'o on Beauty

This may be the most wonderful, significant thing I've heard about beauty this year.  I cannot add a word to it, just my tears this morning. [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZPCkfARH2eE[/youtube]

"My complexion had always been an obstacle to overcome and all of a sudden, Oprah was telling me it wasn’t. It was perplexing and I wanted to reject it because I had begun to enjoy the seduction of inadequacy."

"I felt more seen, more appreciated by the far away gatekeepers of beauty, but around me the preference for light skin prevailed. To the beholders that I thought mattered, I was still unbeautiful."

"And my mother again would say to me, "You can’t eat beauty. It doesn’t feed you." And these words plagued and bothered me; I didn’t really understand them until finally I realized that beauty was not a thing that I could acquire or consume, it was something that I just had to be."

"And what my mother meant when she said you can’t eat beauty was that you can’t rely on how you look to sustain you."

"And so I hope that my presence on your screens and in the magazines may lead you, young girl, on a similar journey. That you will feel the validation of your external beauty but also get to the deeper business of being beautiful inside."

Thank God for Lupita, and her beauty, and her talent, and her bravery, and her compassion, and her strength, and her struggle, and her words.

Don't Miss The Point (What I Learned At Sports Camp, Part 2)

On the last day of Sports Camp I was walking around the outside of the baseball field with my charge, Hunter, holding his hand so that he wouldn't make a break for the woods - or the road. We were dragging our hands along the fence to high-five the kids in the lineup when I heard the coach shout, "Miss Kate, could you go get Jackson*?"

I looked up and there was Jackson.  A sandy-haired eight-year-old who'd gotten mad, slammed his mitt into the ground and stormed off the field.  He was grinding his foot into the grass with his bottom lip stuck out so far he could have tripped on it.  I handed Hunter off to a teenager who was helping me shadow and thought,

"Here we go."

Jackson had been a tough cookie all week: whining about every injustice, every inadvertent bump at the water cooler.  He argued about his place in the lineup, which bat he received, and he made a big fuss about having to hit off a tee during practice.  And now, here was Jackson, running off, pouting, and exhibiting 27 types of selfish, attention-seeking, childish behavior**.

My instinct was to launch into Mom-mode and make this a teachable moment.  The plan was to ask him why he was mad, find a solution, give him a firm speech (in a caring tone) about how throwing fits is a waste of time and energy and not a productive way to get what you want.  (Neither is it socially acceptable for an 8-year-old and no one will want to be your friend if you keep pouting.)  Then I would shoo him back onto the field where he would wait his turn with renewed patience and be reconciled to his teammates.  End scene.

But on the way over there something caught inside my heart - I did not go with my gut.

I found myself thinking, "Nothing that could have happened on that field warrants this reaction.  He's reacting to something else.  Something bigger."

It occurred to me that this might be it.  The reason he was at Sports Camp, or the reason I was.  It occurred to me that Jackson had been at Sports Camp all week and this conversation about to take place between us was likely the first (and last) opportunity for anyone to really hear him.  So I bucked against all of my instincts:  I made it my goal not to react.

"When he tells me why he's mad, don't react." "When he tells me what he really thinks about the coaches, don't react." "When he mouths off, don't tell him he's wrong or suggest an appropriate way to express it.  No teaching.  Just listening."

Jackson must have been expecting me to go with my gut because when I took him for a walk up to the top of the bleachers, he looked at me out of the corner of his eye and asked with surprise, "Am I allowed to be up here?"

I smiled.  "As long as you're with me, it's okay."

He knew I was on his side.  Then it all poured out - and I listened.

Jackson talked all about his baseball team, his big sister, his summer vacation, his favorite memories with his uncle, and all the injustices of Sports Camp.

In less than 10 minutes I heard what I was listening for: Jackson's mom was in the hospital.  His parents split less than 6 months ago, and he was afraid.

I get that.  I lived that.

That afternoon, Jackson didn't need someone to put him in line.  He didn't need someone to shoo him back onto the ball field with a stern pep talk.  Maybe he needed shooing the day after that and the day after that and the day after that - but on the last afternoon of Sports Camp, eight-year-old Jackson needed me to tell him about forgiveness.  He needed to see the hope of Christ in my life, and he needed me to tell him how much a good church can be like a family.

The point of Sports Camp is not to teach kids how to play sports; it is to teach kids about Jesus using sports.  If getting a kid back on the baseball field interferes with an opportunity to tell him about Jesus - baseball can wait.  The point is Jesus.

"Don't miss the point."

That's what I learned at Sports Camp this year.

*Names changed to protect the precious. **To be fair, he is a child.

(What I Learned At Sports Camp, Part 1: Kids Are Not The Future)