Every Single Second

Parents have love-catch-phrases.  They are the things we say when we tuck our kids in at night.  You know - "I love you to the moon and back."  Or, "I love you with my whole heart."

Mine is,

"I love you every single second."

That's the one I tell them when the love is bubbling in my guts and I have to clench my teeth and my fists to keep from squeezing them too tightly, like Lennie Small.

This is what I told Henry this afternoon when he woke up all groggy and snuggly.  I smushed my face against his precious, smushy face and I whispered, "I love you every single second.  There has never been a second of your entire life that you have not been loved.  Every second that I've known about you, I've loved you."

Then I felt a kind of aching swell up inside of me.  I thought, "There are children to whom no one has ever said these things.  There are children that have been neglected, forgotten, resented, and abused."

For a moment I despaired, hard.  I wished that I had infinite time and infinite resources and that I could love all the babies.  I wished that I could hold them all, skin-to-skin, and sing to them and read to them and kiss them and fix all their hurts, physical and otherwise, and tell them that I LOVED them, and that they were important and special to me.   I thought, "There are children that have not been loved every single second."

But something in my chest caught, snagged.  I couldn't finish that thought, because I knew it wasn't true.

There has never been a child that wasn't loved every single second.

I almost didn't write this post because I was afraid that it would sound like I was glossing over the NECESSITY of earthly, human love.  I assure you I am not.   I want to love all the babies because it matters, I know this in my bones, and much of my giving is directed toward that end - children getting loved well.

But because of what I believe to be true about God, I cannot say that there has ever been a human being that God didn't love every single second.  That He didn't yearn for.  There has never been a person that was excluded when He said that He longs to be gracious to you.  There has never been a person that God did not die to save.

This shapes the way I understand the world and they way I interact with all people, but I don't want to direct this thought OUT today, I want to direct in.

You have been loved every single second.

There has never been a second in which you were not loved. There has never been a circumstance in which you were not loved. There has never been a thing you did, or a place you went, or a thing you believed that made you unloved, even for a second.

There is no season of hate or anger or disbelief that made God stop wanting you.  You cannot be mean enough to make Him give up on you.  You are not trapped; He will let you go, but He will watch you walk away with great pain, loving you every single second.

In your darkest days, in your deep, endless depression, in your worst, most offensive thoughts, you are loved.

Maybe you are an addict and you've known it for a while, and your nights keep getting darker and your mornings more uncertain.  Or maybe you are doing a thing that you swore you would NEVER DO.  Maybe you haven't changed your mind about it, you still hate it, but you're doing it anyway, which makes you hate yourself.

You are loved in the middle of that mess.   EVERY. SINGLE. SECOND.

If you are absolutely OVER IT, and life has become, as dear Anne Lamott says, "just too life-y,"  you might be unhappy, unhealthy, unhopeful, and scared to death - but you are not unloved.  You can be un-everything else, but you are not un-loved.

You have been loved every day, every hour, every minute, every second.  You have been loved every heartbeat of your entire life.

When you were abandoned here, you were not abandoned there.  I cannot unpack the problem of evil here, or even fully in my own mind, but I can tell you this:  you were not delivered from all pain, but you were loved through all of the pain.  Every ounce.  You were loved every second.

God compares his love to parent-love.  He compares his arms to the wings of a mother bird, drawing her babies in close to her bosom, warm and safe.  He says he could no sooner forget you than a mother could forget the baby at her breast.  He says "I have loved you with AN EVERLASTING LOVE."  He says that he wants to give you good things, like Dads want to give their little boys and little girls good things, only better, because God is better than human dads times a billion.

He loves us with parent-love, only purer.  More long-suffering.  This means that, unlike me, He doesn't ever want to give one of his loved ones away free to a good home when they are being really pig-headed and annoying.  He never loses it.  He never grows tired or weary.

The love that I have for my children is fierce, rabid, overwhelming, and immobilizing.  I love them in a way that doesn't even make sense.  But even that love is tempered by my own selfishness and humanity - by my need for sleep and food to be a pleasant human being.  My great big love for my kids is tempered by my impatience and my lack of empathy.

But God's parent-love is not constrained by those things.  His love is constrained by nothing.  His love is unhindered and unstoppable and unfathomable.

The great joy of my life is being this boy's safe place, the arms that comfort.  I love him, and I could never be close enough for long enough to breathe him in the way I want to.  I love him every single second.  This child of mine is loved EVERY. SINGLE. SECOND.

And so are you.

And so are you.

Look Up (Why I Hated Women's Ministry)

I was in high school when I started hating women's ministry.   Not hating - I should say "getting annoyed by." I never cared for girls nights, and teas sounded downright dreadful, like being made to sit at the grown-up table after you were finished eating to "listen to us talk."

In college I started ministering to women, but I still didn't like women's ministry.  When I confessed that I didn't like it, as I sometimes did, I was met with confused or offended looks.  Wait, you're an RA for 70 girls at Liberty University and you don't like women's ministry?  Well, yeah.  I like hanging out and praying/teaching/learning.  I like organizing events, and writing curriculum, and discipling girls who really end up discipling me because that's how it works - but I don't like...teas.  Or doilies.  Or the book of Ruth, if we're being honest.

I didn't have words to express the rub.  Any time I attended a women's event, it wasn't BAD, it just wasn't...something.  Ten years later, I found some words.

This isn't a commentary on all women's ministries, or even the ones I was a part of growing up.   It's very likely that the problem was me.  But I know that I know that I know I'm not alone here.   So if you like Jesus but don't like church, or you like ministering to women, but you don't like women's ministry, maybe I can help put some words to the rub, maybe wipe the fog off of the glass so we can see what's really bugging us.

Here are the things that bored and irritated me about women's ministry:

• The book of Ruth (she was loyal and diligent and she got her prince!)
• Proverbs 31 (She got up early!  Taking care of a family and a home is hard and noble!  And look, she handled finances and worked outside of the home, too!  Equality!)
• Deborah (See?  God uses women, too!)
• Teas (Jesus loves you!  Pink!  Doilies!  Warm fuzzies!)
• Self-esteem seminars (You are beautiful just the way you are!  God loves you and that is all that matters!)

Here are the things I love about women's ministry:

• The book of Ruth (An allegory of Jesus Christ, who redeems us and comes for us who are abandoned and hopeless.)
• Proverbs 31 ("Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.")
• Deborah  (God calls us to radical courage, radical trust, radical purpose and obedience.  The battle, victory, and glory are His.)
• Teas (And by teas I mean barbeques.  This is a personal preference influenced by my distaste for cucumber sandwiches.  If you want to pamper me, do it with burgers.  Or smoothies.  I could get on board with a smoothie-tea.)
• Missions seminars  (There is a great love burning inside of us.  There is a great task at hand.  Let's get to work.)

When I take a step back and look, the problem is clear:

I don't like women's ministries that are about Christian womanhood. I like women's ministries that are about The Gospel.

And not The Gospel*

*for women.

Just The Gospel.

I was tired of looking at myself through a Jesus lens.  I just wanted to look at Jesus.

My freshman year of college (in a discussion with my Dad re: my new Bible Study book) I said, "I don't mind Esther, but... can we read ROMANS?"  I felt the tension way back then, I just couldn't articulate it.  I didn't have those words then, but I have them now.

I am tired of hearing about Christian womanhood.  I want to hear about God.

There are of course issues that are women's issues.  Womanhood is a sisterhood, and I don't need my femininity to be ignored; I need it to be seen and addressed and esteemed.  But women's issues are so, so secondary to gospel issues, because womanhood is so, so secondary to PERSONHOOD.  To child-of-God-hood.

To harp on my "women's issues" at the cost of ever having time to harp on the glory of God and the gospel of Jesus is to miss the whole darn thing.

So, if you think you don't like women's ministry, or church or whatever, maybe you're just tired of looking at yourself.

If you're OVER hearing how to be a better person and you wonder what's wrong with you because hearing that "you are a child of God" doesn't really move or impress you very much - you're not alone.  I was there too.   I suspect that we are all just starving for The Main Thing.

If that's you, be encouraged.  You're not missing it, you're getting it.   Just look up.   Find a community that looks, and talks, and points UP.

I love this, from Norman Douty (as quoted in The Complete Green Letters by Miles J. Stanford - a book that changed my life, given to me by a women's ministry leader that helped me look up)

"If I am to be like Him, then God in his grace must do it, and the sooner I come to recognize it the sooner I will be delivered from another form of bondage. Throw down every endeavor and say, I cannot do it, the more I try the farther I get from his likeness. What shall I do? Ah, the Holy Spirit says, you cannot do it; just withdraw; come out of it. You have been in the arena, you have been endeavoring, you are a failure, come out and sit down, and as you sit there behold Him, look at Him. Don't try to be like Him, just look at Him. Just be occupied with Him. Forget about trying to be like Him. Instead of letting that fill our mind and heart, let Him fill it. Just behold Him, look upon Him through the Word. Come to the Word for one purpose and that is to meet the Lord. Not to get your mind crammed full of things about the sacred Word, but come to it to meet the Lord. Make it to be a medium, not to Biblical scholarship, but of fellowship with Christ."

I still struggle.  It's so easy to forget.  This is a reminder to myself and to my own bored, distracted, divided heart.  Look up.  Stop looking at yourself and your life and your habits through Jesus-lens - and just look at glorious, radical King Jesus.

Hope (On Grown-Up Optimism)

I am the kind of person that is often frustrated that there is no jazz-hands emoji.   That is to say I'm an optimist. The glass isn't half-full.  It's all the way full if you think about it, because no one ever fills it to the rim anyway, that would be silly.  And if it's 3/4 of the way full we should just round up!  Cheers!

Between my natural disposition and my training in PR, I am THE QUEEN of silver linings.  This is not an entirely positive trait.

I had to learn how to sit with hurt - to just let things suck when they sucked.  I learned that when I was sad or mad or hurting, I didn't need a positive spin, I needed to let it be.  This taught me that when other people are sad or mad or hurting, they don't need silver linings.   They need someone to sit down beside them and say, "Yeah, this sucks.  It's the worst.  I'll sit here with you, if you want.   And if you want to be alone, I'll just fold the laundry on my way out the door."  I am growing in this.

I am still an optimist, but I am no longer a rainbows-and-unicorns optimist; I 've seen enough of life to know that things are not always good.

When I was in high school my optimism looked like **jazz hands**.   Today, it looks like hope.

I believe unswervingly that there is always hope. I believe that everything is redeemable.  Everything.

The thing is, redemption almost never looks the way I think it will.

Isn't that always the way?   They looked for a king and got a baby.  They looked for a conqueror and got a servant.  They looked for a throne and got a cross.  Redemption never looks like you think it will.  It's hard to see coming.

My life looks nothing like I imagined, in a lot of good ways, but also in some hard ways.  I have no idea how things are going to turn out.  I've given up guessing, because I'm not yet thirty and I have three kids and three books and I've moved 8 times so just WHATEVER.  But I am not discouraged by the fact that I have no idea what's going on, or by the fact that a whole lot of things look pretty darn UNREDEEMED.   I am steadfast in hope because of this glorious mystery:

Christ in me, the hope of glory.

I have Christ in me.  I can't not live a redemption story.  I could no sooner stop hoping than stop breathing.   I can't stop thinking that everything is going to turn out great, because I actually believe it.  

I actually believe in crazy-grace and Jesus the death-conqueror.  I actually believe that I could not extinguish the love, the providence, or the delivering, sustaining arms of God if I tried.   I am His, and He won't stop redeeming my life.  (Oh my word, is this what it is to trust?)

Christ in me, the hope of glory.  That phrase is tattooed on the front lobe of my brain these days, on the inside of my eyelids.  That is where my hope lies.  That's the source of the spring of my relentless, grown-up optimism.

So maybe you are in the middle of surviving, and are running a little short on hope and optimism. Maybe you thought redemption would look like healing, but you're finding it looks more like purpose. Maybe you thought it would look like saving that relationship, but you're finding it looks more like beauty from ashes. Maybe you thought it would look like a good job, just in the nick of time, but you're finding it looks more like a tribe of people to carry you through. Maybe you thought redemption would look like a baby, but you're finding it looks more like the birth of compassion, a calling.

I don't know what it's going to look like like, but I know that it's gonna be good.  I know that some days will suck like leeches, but it's going to be okay.  I have Christ in me, his breath in my lungs, and he makes everything glorious.

Hope has become an accidental theme of my life.  I chose Hope as the middle name for my daughter, not knowing the prophecy on my own tongue.  She is Madeline the hope-giver, and she is glorious. 

I am a grown-up optimist.  I cannot have it any other way.

"As for me, I will always have hope, for He who promised is faithful."  (Psalm 71: 4 and Hebrews 10:23) Kate

#SurvivorSeries

The Survivor Series giveaway is still live!  Share a #survivorseries post for a chance to win $150+ in coffee, music, books, and other survival essentials.  Click here for details.

You guys, I wrote some books!  They’re really good and if you buy them and read them I will bake you cookies.*  You can get it on Amazon, from Barnes & Noble, and in bookstores August 1.  

*and eat them myself because you live too far away.

Surviving Jealousy

I am friends with the most amazing people.  I don't mean they are amazing.  I mean they are THE MOST amazing.  I don't know how that happened, probably because it takes a certain caliber of person to put up with me. In keeping company with these amazing souls, I have learned a thing or two about jealousy.

For example,

I know that when a naturally thin and unfairly beautiful friend plans a visit, I can drop 15 pounds in two months.   I've done that.

I know that when a childless friend plans a surprise visit, I can clean, reorganize, and RE-PINTEREST my home in 48 hours.  I've done that.

I know how it feels to want to quit everything.  I have wanted to quit writing.  Quit blogging.  Quit shopping, quit cooking, quit eating, quit cleaning, quit marriage, quit parenting, and go live in a hut on the beach.  Because if you're going to feel like an embarrassment in EVERY SINGLE WAY A PERSON CAN FEEL LIKE AN EMBARRASSMENT, you might as well feel small in front of an ocean instead of in front of other people.

I know about that.

And I know about feeling guilty for resenting GOOD, AMAZING, WONDERFUL people just because your heart can't handle their wonderfulness.  I know how it feels to resent yourself for being so resentful.

Jealousy and insecurity go hand-in-hand.  It's very chicken-or-the-egg.  Am I jealous because I'm insecure?  Or am I insecure because I'm so jealous?  The answer is, "Yes."

They feed off of each other in a downward spiral, like a whirlpool, taking your confidence, joy, peace, friendships, and focus with them as they go.  Like an airplane stealing tree limbs on the way down.

Jealousy is not something you can just live with.  You can't allow it to occupy a little room in your heart, like it's paying rent, and try to get on with your life while it's sitting there on the sofa bed you made up for it.  Jealously will burn the place down.  Jealousy starts a slow burn that will eventually leave your whole heart in dead, white ashes.

A few years ago I decided to quit jealousy.

And that's what I did.  I quit, cold turkey.

And you know what?  It really wasn't that hard.

Here are the four things I do when I battle with jealousy and survive:

1. Connect.

The absolute fastest way to kill jealousy in its tracks is to look another person in the eye.  It breaks the trance.  Sit across the table from somebody, and listen to them talk.  People don't get to edit in real-time conversations, so when you talk to someone you normally interact with online, you'll be amazed at how ... NORMAL they sound.  If you are jealous of a real life friend, go to her house more than once.  You will notice that her baseboards aren't always clean, and this will free you.  She might even have ants.  I will never forget the day that I walked into the house of a childless person and saw an ant.  AN ANT!  It was one of the most validating, freeing experiences of my entire life.  It was like that ant said to me, "I do not condemn you, human.  Be free."   When you look somebody in the eyes, you remember that real life doesn't come with Instagram filters.  You might even see traces of hurt, struggle, fear.  You might see some of the weight that they carry.  You might notice that even the slenderest of people have thigh-meat, and that thigh-meat might set you free.

2. Celebrate.

Take their success before their success takes you.  This is public relations 101; he who breaks the story, writes the story.  He who makes the announcement, owns the announcement.   When someone has a success, celebrate it like it's yours.  The more you practice their joy, the more you'll feel  their joy.  Become a good celebrator.  You'll be surprised by how much you mean it.

3. Remember.

Remember that your life is yours to live.  Remember all the treasures with which YOU have been entrusted.  Remember that that THING, or that TRAIT, or that LIFE that you're so jealous of is not yours to live.

Amena Brown (who is a treasure and my favorite) said it this way in her poem How to Fly.

"You never carry dreams given to you by someone else. You figure out which things you gotta check and protect, And which dreams you hold close you to. You let go of everything that was sold to you as true. Too much hurt affects your wingspan.

You see flyin’ ain’t about provin’ to someone who is struggling to be somebody That you ‘gone be somebody too.   Flying is about taking what you got, being who you are, And doing what you do."

Know yourself, and dare to like yourself.  This is audacious gratitude and it will change everything.   Four years ago  I realized I was carrying dreams given to me by someone else.  I looked around, full of gratitude, and the most amazing thing happened: It dawned on me, like someone walking into a room and turning on the light, I like me.  I think I'm smart.  Maybe not book-smart, or street-smart, but some kind.  I think I'm funny, funny enough that I'm not bored by my own thoughts, so that's good.  I think that I'm cute.  I'm no physical specimen to behold or anything, but I think I'm cute and I'm okay with cute.  Mostly, I'M ME.  I am this whole collection of thoughts and experiences and values and beliefs and quirks and proclivities, and I LIKE ME.  I put down all the dreams given to me by someone else, and I gave up trying to prove things to people who weren't even watching.  Gratitude turns your eyes up to The Giver, and you can't behold The Giver of All Good Things and still be looking around feeling jealous about stuff.

4. Love.

When you love someone, jealousy gets edged out.  The love presses it out, occupying the space it used to hold, filling all the gaps.  When you love someone, you see their hurt and your heart grieves with them.  When you love someone, you see their joy and your heart leaps with them.  When you love someone, you want their best, their happiness.  You actually DESIRE their growth and maturation - you are on the edge of your seat, breathless to see what their lives could hold.  And you want to be on the sidelines, cheering them on, holding them up, because, LOVE.    Love causes us to lose sight of insecurity, competition, lust, idolatry, and entitlement because it causes us to lose sight of ourselves.

Kick jealousy out.  Stop taking his rent.  Quit him.

Connect, celebrate, remember, love - and breathe the free air.

 

The Survivor Series giveaway is still live!  Share a #survivorseries post for a chance to win $150+ in coffee, music, books, and other survival essentials.  Click here for details.

You guys, I wrote some books!  They’re really good and if you buy them and read them I will bake you cookies.*  You can get it on Amazon, from Barnes & Noble, and in bookstores August 1.  

*and eat them myself because you live too far away.

Modesty is Not A Feminine Virtue

This week we’re talking about modesty over on my FB page, because it’s a topic I discuss in the first chapter of my books. The books explore a very specific slice of modesty (the way we dress) for one reason:  that was the first point on my list of “Things I Want to Tell Teenage Girls.”   In the book I talk about things like:

-Expressing yourself with fashion, and dressing intentionally. -Rejecting the idea that the sexualized parts of women’s bodies should ever be the source of frustration or shame. -The superpower that is femininity. -Rejecting the notion that women are responsible for the thoughts and behaviors of men, and rejecting that “modesty” is somehow a tool to protect ourselves from degradation. -The difference between attention and respect.

I suspect that this chapter might find itself a little bit controversial, but I stand by what’s in there, and I think it’s important.

That said –

It would be a serious oversight, not to mention offensive, to end the conversation there.  Because modesty is not a "feminine virtue."   And for crying out loud, it's not about clothing.  The catchphrases coined by the uber-conservatives hoping not to be viewed as misogynistic are way off, too.   "It's not about hiding," they say, "it's about revealing dignity."

Except, no.  It's not.  We have to stop insisting that modesty is about "revealing dignity" and "having self-worth," as if people who feel comfortable in clothing we wouldn't personally wear simply don't value themselves enough.   Real modesty isn't about "revealing dignity" because it isn't about revealing anything.

Here is what modesty is:

Modesty is humility applied. It's humility in a tank top, wisdom in jeans. It's a healthy dose of it's-not-about-me as you go throughout your day. Real modesty is meekness, which is a human virtue that begins on the inside, and, as we mature, is unstoppably, unavoidably reflected in every area of our lives.

Modesty is about killing that thing inside of us that wants to steal glory, revel in attention, and to see ourselves hoisted onto a pedestal.  The pedestal of “hottest” or “wealthiest” or “most hipster” or “most fit” or “most chic” or “most anything.”

Modesty is about stepping out of the way so that The Thing You’re Living For gets to stand in the spotlight.

Dressing provocatively is certainly one way of drawing attention to yourself, which is how the word “modesty” initially got attached to the idea of COVERING EVERYTHING UP.  But that’s not what it means.  That is one possible implication.

It is possible, and frankly a lot more common, for a PERSON (not just a woman) to have all their assests covered, and still be shouting "NOTICE ME!  NOTICE ME!" with their clothes and their lives.

Notice my bank account. Notice my trophy spouse. Notice my business success. Notice how cute I am. Notice how cultured I am. Notice how MORAL, and RIGHTEOUS I am.

There's nothing wrong with being noticed, but it works better when we notice each other instead of noticing ourselves.  There's less competition, more connection.  There's less looking in the mirror, and more looking up and out and forward.  There's more appreciation of the beauty and gifts and skills around us - because when we aren't preoccupied with our own hooting and hollering, we can finally, finally see it.

Real modesty happens when we side-step out of the spotlight, making space for the things that we're passionate about to shine.  The stuff that's bigger than us.  The stuff that matters more.

For me, that's the gospel of Jesus.

Here is the question I'm asking myself this week:

What would it look like if I made one small, practical change to live more modestly?  To stop trying to draw attention to myself for whatever reason?

I'm a little tender about it, because it's forcing me to examine all the places I try to be the center of the story.  It's so ugly, glory-hogging.  But it's tender because it matters.  Humility, modesty, selflessness - these are holy, sacred things.   They matter, and I've decided that pursuing them is worth the discomfort it costs.  I've got to look my own ugly in the face.

Will you join me in considering?

How might it look to live more modestly on social media? How might it look to speak more modestly? To spend money more modestly?  Not just necessarily less, just different. How might it look to "church" more modestly?   Oh, snap. And, yes, to dress more modestly.  Not frumpily, not puritanically, not to hide, or to shame, or to protect boys.  But to draw less undue, self-indulgent, and, often, not-the-healthiest attention to ourselves.

Comment and share with the hashtag #realmodesty.