10 Right Questions to Answer About the Person You're Dating

A few weeks ago I received my favorite text message ever:

It was like a dream come true.  DO WE GET TO OVER-ANALYZE THIS FOR DAYS, GAILY BEATING THE DEAD HORSE INTO THE GROUND WHILST EATING ICE CREAM IN OUR PAJAMAS?

Since then, we've talked a lot about healthy relationships, pacing things, guarding hearts, et al.  The only real difference between college and now is that today I have the benefit of having been married for seven years.  So, GAME CHANGER.

One of the things I told my anonymous friend, and something I really believe, is that time and pace are just tools to make sure you get real answers to the right questions.

So - we're having this conversation and I'm feeling maybe a little too enlightened when my friend says,

"So, what are the right questions?"

Yeah.  Here's the thing about that.  NOBODY KNOWS.

But I spent a few days thinking about it, and I asked some married friends that are smarter than me, and so, together, we give you:

10 Right Questions to Answer About the Person You're Dating

1. Listen to him eat a bowl of cereal.  Is that sound something you can tolerate for the rest of your life?  THIS IS NOT A DRILL.   Treat this issue with the respect it's due.

2. Does he exhibit self-control?  You do not want to be married to someone with no self-control.  Think finances, think housework, think fidelity, think EVERY AREA OF LIFE.

Look for: Does he put off or blow off other responsibilities to spend time with you?  If so, it's easy to feel "Yay!  Chemistry!  I'm a PRIORITY."   But it can be a red flag.  Does he push boundaries physically?  If he does, don't think, "Yay!  He can't get enough of me!"  Instead, ask yourself, "Is he exhibiting self-control?"

Now substitute "self-control" with another character trait - maybe kindness, or patience, or courage, or honesty.  All the right questions will point you to character.  Chemistry and compatibility matter just as much, but they're easy to see.  After just a few dates, you know.  The right questions don't answer, "Do we fit?  Do we click?  Is there something special here?"  Because, duh.  The right questions answer "What kind of character does this man have?  What kind of habits?  What is he made of, on the inside, through and through?"

3.  Is he investment-minded?  Relationships die if they aren't tended.  Committed to stay and committed to work are two totally different things.  It's very 2014 to "chill" and "hang out" and "do something."  But listen - if someone asks your guy "What are you going to do this weekend?"  and he says "I'm going to spend time with my girlfriend, because that's important,"  MARRY THAT DUDE.

Look for:  Does he ask intentional questions?  When you've told each other all your stories, will you have made your own, together?  Is he relationally intelligent?  (When I asked my married friends what questions they would recommend asking/discovering/settling at least 85% of them said:  "DOES HE SPEAK HER LOVE LANGUAGE?  DOES HE VALUE SPEAKING IT?  WILL HE TRY TO LEARN HER LOVE LANGUAGE?  IS HE EVEN PHYSICALLY CAPABLE?"  So, that's kind of a huge deal.)

4. Do you respect his decisions and his decision-making skills?  Not whether or not you can influence them, or whether he is willing to defer some things to you.  I mean, THAT, obviously, but don’t stop there.   Ask, as my very wise friend Sarah suggested, "Left to his own devices, does she trust him enough that she can respect and submit to the decisions that he makes?  If not, don't marry him."

Look for:  The things he values, the way he spends his time.  If you can't get on board with his life decisions so far, do not pass go; do not collect bridal shower presents.

5.  Does he apologize?  This question is the one that garnered the most vociferous, vehement, visceral reaction amongst my married friends.  Does he apologize?  How?  It speaks to humility, respect, self-confidence, and a willingness to work at relationship.

Look for: Does he apologize to other people?  (I only recently learned that there is a "Languages of Apology" book/assessment, in the same vein as Love Languages.  Worth looking into.)  And listen:  apologies are sexy.

6. How does he fight?  Hot or cold?  Right away or the next day?  In straight-up specifics, or in softer generalities?  Does he call names?  Is he sarcastic?  Because IT'S GONNA HAPPEN, LOVE BIRDS.  And you need to know, is this the man I want to fight with for the rest of my life?

7.  "It's no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn't even speak to each other if they met at a party" -Nick Hornby   If you had to listen to his music on a road trip, how soon into the drive would you try to throw yourself from the window of a moving vehicle?

8, 9, and 10. The three things that couples fight about the most (and the worst) are money, sex, and kids.  That's it.  The trifecta.  Money, sex, and kids.  There are one million questions wrapped up in money, sex, and kids, and one million blog posts that explore them.  I'm not adding to that number today.  Google it, find a list, ask them all.

What you really need to know is, when you're all twitterpated, and in love, and your hormones come out to play, you can't think clearly anyway - so if you're reading this you're probably already screwed.  But it's okay.  It can be pretty wonderful.  :)

 What would you add?  What do you think is the most helpful, absolutely-must-settle-before-progressing, dating question?  My anonymous friend and I want to know!

We Keep Our Children's Secrets

 My middle child is my sensitive child.  Sam feels things first.  Changes in his environment, tweaks to his schedule, tensions in relationship - they're all palpable to Sam.  He notices and responds. Whenever I visit with someone I love, I think,

"I hope they get to see the real Sam."

They usually don't.  A new person in the vicinity is just enough change for Sam to holster his magic.  He keeps it close to the vest.

I used to feel sad, because I knew the world was missing out.  It was difficult to know that I had this treasure of a child and that even those closest to me would never really know him.  When you have great joy, you want to share it.  It's why we photograph and Instagram, it's why we call and text and "guess what!"  It's why we shout love from the rooftops.  Sam is the greatest joy, and I so wanted the world to know him.

But these days, instead of feeling sad , I choose honored.  I've begun to understand that all mothers keep their children's secrets.  I am the guardian of the great joy that is Sam at his most free, most comfortable, most true.  I have the blessed privilege of being the human with whom he feels at home.  It's hard sometimes, to choose honored over sad, because the compulsion to shout him out and show him off is still so great.  So I think of Mary, the young mother of Jesus, who "treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart" (Luke 2).

The shepherds were out shouting the glories of God and angels and the infant King Jesus, because great joy wants to be shared, but Mary treasured and pondered.  A young mother, just like me, keeping her baby's secrets.

I suspect this secret-keeping, this guarding of beautiful little selves, is how the universe pays us back for stretch marks.  Oh, did we ever get the good end of that deal.

(all photos by Brooke Courtney Photography) 

Fake Butter, Fake Cheese, and Fake People

Here's how things work around here.  After four days of eating virtuously, we make Alfredo sauce from scratch.

 Because life is too short for fake butter, fake cheese, or fake people.   AMIRIGHT? Also, please forgive my fingernails, which, as my precious, hilarious sister-in-law says, "look like a cat's been chewin' on them."  How's THAT for a Southernism?

BON APPÉTIT, Y'ALL.

Beware Cheap Grace

The thing about debtors is, they owe you. Debtors aren't debtors because of misunderstandings.  (Or oversights, inconsideration, or failed communications.)   Debtors are the people to whom you could say, "You abused me.  You took advantage of me.  You injured me.  You were wrong.  You owe me."

Debtors didn't offend us;  debtors owe us.

If, when you consider where you should extend forgiveness, you think first of workplace foibles - of excusing tardiness, dismissing gossip, and generally tolerating annoyingness - then your struggle isn't unforgiveness.  Your struggle is being too easily offended.

If it's lack of common courtesy (or sense) that burns you up, you don't need to forgive as much as you need to get over it.

I am wary of extending cheap grace and calling it forgiveness.  I'm afraid that, when challenged by the doctrine of forgiveness, we choose to forgive foolishness, because it's too hard to forgive debts.

Cheap grace is:

"She took my baby name even though she knew I wanted to use it, but I forgive her."

"He clocks out early every day and I have to clean up alone, but I forgive him."

"She didn't text me back, but I forgive her."

Of course these offenses should be resolved, lest bitterness take root and brotherly love erode over time.  But if these are the sorts of things you pride yourself in forgiving?  Well, that forgiveness didn't cost you much.  Your personal preference if anything.  It's cheap grace.

Jesus didn’t die on the cross so you could politely tolerate annoyances or learn to let go of frustrations.  Frustrations don't require the shedding of blood to be set right.  Nobody ever had to die to make up for being kind of a jerk.

But the debt we owed to the God who requires justice?  That debt had to be paid in blood.  For generations God's people slayed a million lambs on a million alters, sin offerings, blood in their place.  They did it right up until Jesus put an end to it.  He was the spotless animal, the sacrifice - the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world.  When Jesus died in your place, He didn't do it because he was frustrated with you.  He did it because you owed a debt you could not pay and live.

He demonstrated radical, scandalous, unthinkable, could-only-be-divine grace.  And it cost Him.

The gospel is not a story of cheap grace.

So as I live out the gospel, I dare not cheapen it.

"But where sin abounded, grace abounded all the more."  The bigger the offense, the bigger the forgiveness.  That's how it works in God's economy.

To forgive our debtors will cost us.  If it doesn't cost us, they weren't debtors.  Real grace is anything but cheap.

//

I had this post half-written, waiting in my drafts, when I saw this article from the New York Times called "Portraits of Reconciliation."  I saw the first image and my heart broke and leapt at the same time.  I knew, "It's time."

The piece is a collection of portraits of victims of the Rwandan genocide with their perpetrators.  The perpetrators that killed their husbands and fathers and children.  The perpetrators that burned their houses down.  The perpetrators THEY FORGAVE.

This is not cheap grace.  This is huge, agonizing, torturous loss, and huge, lavish, unimaginable mercy.  It was difficult for me to read, because my insides ache to think what this kind of forgiveness costs.  But it challenged me.  It forced me to consider my own ugliness - that I am first a sinner, and only then sinned against.  It reminded me that people can do hard things - and God can do impossible things.  It reminded me not to settle for cheap grace.  I hope it reminds you, too.

Dominique Ndahimana Perpetrator (left)

Cansilde Munganyinka Survivor

NDAHIMANA: “The day I thought of asking pardon, I felt unburdened and relieved. I had lost my humanity because of the crime I committed, but now I am like any human being.”

MUNGANYINKA: “After I was chased from my village and Dominique and others looted it, I became homeless and insane. Later, when he asked my pardon, I said: ‘I have nothing to feed my children. Are you going to help raise my children? Are you going to build a house for them?’ The next week, Dominique came with some survivors and former prisoners who perpetrated genocide. There were more than 50 of them, and they built my family a house. Ever since then, I have started to feel better. I was like a dry stick; now I feel peaceful in my heart, and I share this peace with my neighbors.”

You can read the whole New York Times Article, and see more photos, here.  I recommend it.

Wherein Henry Ford is a Smart Guy

Intentions are good.  More than good, they're great.  They indicate consideration and thoughtfulness and all the good your heart longs to do, and would, if you had unlimited time...and money...and energy.

But intentions always beg the question - "Now what?"

This morning I was all caffeinated and feeling sunshine-y and optimistic and generous.  I thought about all the people I could pop in and say hello to (via text or email or something, because, 2014).  I thought about encouraging my friends, making lemonade for the roofing crew, buying extra classroom supplies for Madeline's teachers, baking with the kids for our neighbors.  I was driving along, feeling very pleased with myself for being so virtuous and kind, when Bob Goff popped into my head.

"Love does, Kate."

Sure, love thinks, love plans, love intends - but then love does.

There are too many days that I allow myself to feel like a good person because I know what a good person would do.  I think, "You know, it would be really nice to invite that refugee family over to dinner.  That would be a loving thing to do."  And I pat myself on the back for it!  Is that not the most insane thing you've ever heard?   I think, "A good person would do this."  And then I don't do it.  And I STILL FEEL PLEASED WITH MYSELF.

But I don't think I'm alone.  I think intentions are deceitful and our hearts are prideful - and I think that's a recipe for apathy and selfish inaction.

So as I drove home this morning, I resolved to DO something.  To do at least one loving thing.   Because I want to be a loving person, and love does.

Henry Ford said, "You can't build a reputation on what you're going to do."  And when I die, whenever that may be, I want to leave a legacy of love.  The fragrance of Christ, following me wherever I go.

"In the Messiah, in Christ, God leads us from place to place in one perpetual victory parade. Through us, he brings knowledge of Christ. Everywhere we go, people breathe in the exquisite fragrance. Because of Christ, we give off a sweet scent rising to God, which is recognized by those on the way of salvation—an aroma redolent with life."  2 Corinthians 2:14-16, The Message