Grandma's Wisdom

Yesterday I announced an impromptu blog series on strong women.  It seemed fitting following my posts about Leymah Gbowee, mothers-in-law, and my mom's toilet cleaning philosophy.  Yesterday I wrote about how much of a rock star my Grandma Canfield was.  Here's the crazy thing:  as unlikely as it seems to have another woman with that kind of strength in one's life, much less in one's family, I do. A couple of months ago I posted this comment on Facebook about receiving an email from my Grandma.

A reader commented, asking  me to share her wisdom.  Since then I've collected a quick post full of things I've learned from her, and I finally get to share it with you!  Worth the wait - she's completely hilarious.

In no particular order, here are some of the things I've learned from my Grandma Harness.

Grandma on minimalism and living in community:

One evening, when a bunch of their children and grandchildren were visiting, Grandma and Grandpa's toilet overflowed.  My uncle had to run next door to borrow a plunger.  After the kids got everything under control, my mom said, "Mom, we need to run to the corner and get you a plunger!"  To which Grandma replied,

"No you don't; I have a plunger.  It's next door."

Grandma on portion control:  

"Just half of a piece of pie is plenty for me."

...10 minutes later...

"Would you cut me a small piece off of that half please?"

...10 minutes later...

"Well there's just a sliver left.  I suppose I will finish it."

Grandma on parenting:

"Kate, sometimes babies just cry."

Grandma on ministry:

My mother shared this story with me about her time in Ireland.  Grandma and Grandpa always had people in and out of the house - lots and lots of people - for dinner, tea, and visiting.  There was one couple that my mom remembers to have been - to put it delicately - very, terribly smelly.  She said, "Grandma was loving but practical.  She invited them in, fed them, let them sit on the couches - but she made sure all the doors in the house were closed so that their smell stayed in the living room.  They were always welcome, but that didn't mean our whole house had to stink.  I think it was her way of loving them AND  loving us."

I giggle out lout every time I picture my grandmother making rounds to close all the doors.  It's funny, but it makes me aspire to love even the smelliest people.

Grandma on boundaries and balance:

The last time I visited my Grandma, Sam was only 3 months old.  At the time, Grandma had been given a "six weeks or less" prognosis from her oncologist (strong woman), so although nobody verbalized it, we were thinking that Grandma had to meet Sam, see Madeline again, and that I wanted to listen to her and hug her as much as I could.  These are the things she did and said during that time that inspired me.

• She was active.  (She has always walked to and from the grocery store and taken long evening strolls, but even this week, on so much medication, she cooked, cleaned, entertained, and played with the kids.)
• She knew her boundaries.  When she got tired, she napped.  When her feet were bothersome, she put them up.  After a rest, she got right back up and kept going.
• She said, "I only cook one big meal a day, and this is it!"  (My favorite part about this house rule is that it had NOTHING to do with her prognosis.  My kind of woman.)
• She had all of her grandchildren over to visit & play.
• She laughed (as in, nose-crinkle, eye-crinkle, seriously joyful laughed) a lot.
• She had peace.  And faith.  And practicality.  But especially peace.

Grandma on ministry (again) and marriage:

This is the email I was referencing when I posted my Facebook status.

Hi.  I finished rereading this book ("God's Front Door") and thought of you.  I liked the easy, short chapters with big ideas.  I like her writing...I did one Bible Study video of Jill's and wasn't impressed, so I will stick to her books.  In both books she mentions her feelings about her husband being gone a lot and the struggle she had with that.  I too related to it.  I think "ministry" can be hard on a couple. Grandpa & I sat down and figured out our time - found breakfast to be best.  We got everyone settled and off to school etc. and ate together then.  Once a month we went out for breakfast, so we wouldn't be interrupted by household things & people. We did try to eat together as family at night. We figured out each morning what time would be best for all...Anyway, all this to say enjoy the book.

love & prayers Grandma (give all a hug from us.)

Yes, my grandma emails.  I can hear her opinionated, matter-of-fact voice when she writes "I wasn't impressed, so I will stick to her books."  I'm thankful for her understanding of ministry with small children and her insight to know that this is exactly where I am in life.  And what do you know, just a day later, a copy of the book showed up at my door from Amazon.  Because she is also thoughtful and generous.

From watching my grandma I learned about listening to my husband as a way to love him, because she listens to my grandpa.   I've learned about choosing joy and forgiveness to set the tone for my home, and how, amazingly, when I do, the attitudes of everyone else fall right in line.  This is the kind of thing that people tell you about marriage, but deep down in my heart it makes me pout because, why do I have to be the tone-setter?  Huh?  But when I watch Grandma I think, "Well, if she can do it for so many years, then gosh darn it, so can I."

• My Grandma Harness raised five kids.
• She lived on the foreign mission field for 26 years.
• She's beaten lymphoma (and leukemia) (and their various treatments) over and over and over again for 26 years now, sometimes against all odds.  As I mentioned, just last year she looked a prognosis of "6 weeks or less" in the face and, with prayer, faith, grace, determination, joy, and sheer ferocity of will, defied it. When she was at her sickest, her hospital room was know by the hospital staff as "the joyful room."  There were family and stories and laughter and hope, though no one was in denial about the severity of the situation.

This is a tiny excerpt of a card that my Grandpa wrote my Grandma for Mother's Day one year.

"In my mind I was thinking how I might describe you to others without all the syrupy, sugary things we see this time of year - and I decided I would tell them : -Jan loves the Lord. -Jan loves me. -Jan loves the children. and she acts accordingly."

And she acts accordingly.

While I never got to know my rock star of a Grandma Canfield as an adult, I have had the privilege to know my Grandma Harness.  I wish you could, too.  I wish you could come with me and listen to her over real tea.  About Ireland.  About being married to a pastor, raising kids, and loving people even when they smell and have lice and give it to all your kids.  About difficult diagnoses, and faith.  Mostly I know we would laugh a lot.

This is the end of my Grandma stories for a while.  I like to think that some of their  immovable strength gets passed down through the bloodline somehow.  I'm not sure about myself most days, but when I look at my daughter, when I'm astounded by her stubbornness and convictions, when I watch her overcome, I think it must be true.

Each of them could kill me for sharing this photo, but it's my favorite. 4 generations of mothers and daughters - first thing in the morning.  EVEN BEFORE COFFEE.  Mom, me, Madeline, and Grandma H.

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What is the funniest or most practical piece of advice you've ever received from your Grandmother?  Comment to share!

Michael Jordan and Grandma

With this post I hereby declare a blog series on strong women.   Not motherhood or house wifery or gender roles, but on crazy-strong, pioneering, brave, practical, funny, interesting women.  In the next few posts I'll tell you how badly I want to talk to Hillary Clinton and about what.  I'll tell you what I want to learn from Britney Spears.  I'll share stories about beating cancer and not beating cancer, about speaking up and shutting up, about raising ten kids and about trailblazing career paths in male-dominated fields.  I invite you to join in the conversation, share your heroines with me, and celebrate these women that make me proud to be a girl. Here goes.

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While we were in North Carolina over the holidays, Dan got the flu or something like it.  He laid on the couch in a near comatose state for three days without so much as a dinner break.  ESPN was on the entire time (obviously) and not long into his couch-laying a commercial featuring Michael Jordan came on.

To be more specific, it was footage of the 1997 NBA finals game in which Michael Jordan had the flu.  During what is now known as "The Flu Game," Michael Jordan scored 38 points, finished with 7 rebounds, 5 assists, 3 steals and 1 block.

Dan watched this commercial, turned his groggy head toward me and croaked,

"Well, now I feel like a giant pansy."

I share this for two reasons.

1. My husband is funny.

2. This is precisely how I feel when I think about my Grandma Canfield.  I feel like parenthood is the flu; it makes things hard sometimes, so I moan and take medicine (which is representative of lots of coffee and Chick-Fil-A in this analogy) and write blog posts about surviving, while, two generations ago, my grandmother was raising NINE children without the conveniences of fast food drive-thrus, microwaves, disposable diapers, or dishwashers.  She was the Michael Jordan of mothers, and I am a giant pansy.

This came to mind a lot last month, as Dad and I talked about his mother, my Grandma.

My Grandma, Juanita Fern, had 10 children.  Numbers 5 and 6 were twins, and her eighth died at birth.  I cannot wrap my mind around that kind of heartbreak.  There can't be more than 14 or so years between all of them, which means that at one point, she had my dad as an infant (who would be diagnosed with polio at 10 months old), the twins still in diapers, and FOUR MORE as three through seven-year-olds.  INFANT.  TWINS IN DIAPERS.  FOUR OTHER KIDS.  I didn't take time to do the actual birthday math, but can you even imagine?  Can you imagine the noise?

Oh, and then she was pregnant three more times and raised two more children.  No big deal.

Dad has memories of bags full of ironing sitting at her feet as she stood there: all-day-ironing.  He can picture the entire back yard filled with dozens and dozens of cloth diapers drying on clotheslines, like a forest.   He's told me about the home-cooked meals they had every night, and about how his older sisters used to feed and rock the babies.

This is a picture of my Grandma's oldest 6, my aunts and uncles:  Ron, Cheryl (with her hair beautifully braided), Dave, Patti, and the twins, Jan and Judy, as babies (one of their little bald heads is at the bottom of the photo).

 And Madeline thinks that Sam is crowding her personal space in the bathtub.  She could use a quick lesson in the relativity of bathtub space.

The older I get, the more I wish I had the opportunity to know my Grandma as an adult (she died when I was 8).  I wish that I could talk to her about marriage.  About a husband whose job is ministry.  I want to talk to her about finding joy and fulfillment in mundane tasks.  About finding your identity in Christ.  I wish I could learn from her about diligence and hard work.  I wish I could watch her cook.  I wish I could learn about patience, parenting, priorities, and letting the little things go.  I wish I could talk to her about heritage - about the extraordinary blessing of many children and grandchildren.  I wish I could talk to her about parenting a child with a disability.  I wish I could talk to her about loss, trial, tribulation - about strength - about surviving some stuff.

When I think about women who must have a backbone made of solid steel, my Grandma Canfield is one of the first to come to mind.  She was the Michael Jordan of mothers, and I'm so proud to say that I come from that kind of stock.

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Who is your Michael Jordan?  Whose accomplishments (at work, home, play, or legacy) inspire you (and also sometimes make you feel like a giant pansy)?  Comment to share!

Morning Happy

I got up early to send Madeline off to school this morning. I was going to have a bowl of cereal, but we were out of milk. I was going to do my Bible study "homework," but my book was in Dan's car. I was going to clean, but HA HA HA.

So instead, I'm sharing with you all the internet things that made me smile this morning.  I hope that, in your mind, they take you to a quiet, cozy place - with tea - and make you smile really, really big at your computer screen.  And maybe giggle to yourself.  And, if you're like me, cry tears of happiness.

This orchestra flash mob was beautiful!  Joyful, joyful, indeed.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBaHPND2QJg[/youtube]

1. "After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music." [Aldous Huxley,1931] 2.  The man at 4:09 - I did the exact same thing.

This video from Kid President via SoulPancake was not at all what I was expecting.  While it is funny, it is mostly heartwarming and encouraging and beautiful.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-gQLqv9f4o[/youtube]

"And it hurt, man!  Not cool, Robert Frost!" "What if there really are two paths?  I want to be on the one that leads to awesome." "We were made to be awesome."

And this little fella, who stole my heart.

(source)

Happy Friday, friends!

In Which Madeline Inherited My Math Skills

The following conversation indicates that Madeline inherited my math skills.

Madeline:  Maybe the air will stay in the balloons for ONE HUNDRED WEEKS!

Me:  One hundred weeks is two years.

Madeline:  Why is one hundred weeks the same as two years?

Me:  Well, that's just what it adds up to be!  There are seven days in one week.  And there are 365 days in one year.  That means that there are 52 weeks in one year.

And 50 + another 50 = 100.  So if 52 weeks equals ONE year, that means that 100 weeks is about TWO years.  Because twice as many weeks equals twice as many years!

(long pause)

Madeline:  I don't think you're making any sense.

Me either, baby.  Me either.

House Wifery

Every time I clean my toilets I think of my mom.  This is because many years ago she bestowed upon me the following pearl of wisdom:

"Your toilet should be so clean that if you ever have a party and a guest has to throw up, they should be able to throw up in your toilet without being disgusted.  Always be sure your guests have a sparkling clean toilet to throw up in."

Hospitality 101.  You can see why I never forgot it.

Thanks mom, for being so very, very practical.  My drunken party guests pregnant friends thank you, too.